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under the cut bc some mention of sensitive material

@purple-possibilities So I don’t want to make this a sob story but I kind of want to explain, to you, and my other followers, what’s going on (I’m in no way trying to brush you off though fam, I appreciate you sending this. This almost made me cry. Thank you for sending this)

I’ve always known I have a bad problem with anxiety. Every school year for the past like 3?? 4 years?? I skip the first few classes/days of class at the beginning of the semester bc I’m too afraid to walk into the classroom and meet new people. It’s stupid but hey, that’s me. It’s gotten better over the years, but my junior year of high school, I had some very shitty, toxic friends who ended up really fucking me over and I had sooo much anxiety and was always sad and that’s when my “illness” started. Without going into too much nasty detail, I get severe migraines and then get nosebleeds. Not mild, little nosebleeds either. This shit last for hours and sometimes days, like throughout the night too. And in general I’m very lethargic and can’t get out of bed for hours and god it sucks. I’ve seen ENT’s, neurologists, oncologists, etc, and none of them can figure it out. All they’ve really concluded is that stress is a feasible cause to whatever is going on. And I know that’s true now, because once I was over that awful friendship and the shit they did to me, the illness kind of went away. It’s back now though and it really sucks. 

What sucks even more though, is that I can’t really see therapists tbh. My family are the “Do yoga and drinks lots of water. Eat good food. Join some clubs in school. Be active. That’ll get rid of anxiety/your bad feelings” type of people. I’m p sure my family doesn’t think depression is a thing lol. Even when I was crying my eyes out everyday for weeks, my mom just told me I needed to “help myself” by getting over it. 

Three therapists in the last few years have told me that I’m showing blatant signs of depression/anxiety, heavy on the anxiety side, and every time, my mom subsequently tells me she doesn’t “trust” the therapist’s advice and we kind of stop seeing them lmao. My family is like that. Which also means I’m unable to acquire any pills or treatment for it, no matter how hard I try to convince them. 

As for depression though, I’ve never been able to accept that I might have it? I have lots of good days in the middle of the bad days so I just always thought it wasn’t fair to call it depression because I didn’t think that’s what I had. I just thought I was being dramatic, since that’s what my family always led me to believe. I saw a professor here on campus recently who also serves as a counselor, and we talked for a while, and he also told me I’m showing some pretty heavy signs of it and that I might want to make appointments to see an on-campus therapist. But idk. Mental illness isn’t a joke and I don’t ever want to assume I am mentally ill if I’m really not. Because that wouldn’t be fair, and, there’s not much I can do with that information given my family’s beliefs. I’ve struggled with that for years, and I’ve kind of gotten used to not having an outlet for my anxiety/depression (if I have that). That’s probably why I’m such a fuck up lol and don’t know how to handle these things, and always go on dumb rants on the blog. 

But, I believe you if you think I might be somewhat depressed, because you’ve been there and I’ve had other people tell me the same thing. I put in a request to see a therapist last week, but I just don’t know how that’s going to go. We’ll see. I appreciate you messaging me this though. It’s kind of an encouragement for me to seek out options that can help. I’ll also definitely take you up on that offer to stop in your messages sometime. Thank you so much

Oh and to my first anon, love you too ❤ I’m trying to rest as much as I can so I’m not feeling like shit when I go to my classes, so I’m trying not to over-exert myself. A few days resting helped a little. So don’t worry 🙂

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